IF

Um, yes, I look a bit tired.  But WHO CARES!?!?!
It's JEN HATMAKER!

It's not very often that I find myself speechless.  This will come as no surprise to many of you.  I am a lot like my dad in the sense that I'm pretty sure people want to hear me talk about anything and everything.  However, last weekend I found myself in the presence of my BFF, Jen Hatmaker, and I found myself a bit speechless.  Star-struck if you will.  I wish I would have just remained speechless, but instead I rambled on nervously about how my friends think I stalk her, and on and on and on.  Oh.my.lanta.  Just stop talking my head is telling my mouth, but I can't.  I'm already in too deep and she is already thinking I am beyond psycho and worth filing a restraining order on.

But then.

She stood up in front of 2,000 women, and spoke the words God gave her.  And I could hear God telling me that she, although quite amazing and cool, is simply doing what He has called her to.  She doesn't demand fame or fortune, nor does she live a lavish life.  She is just following hard after Him.  And all the sudden she went from becoming my invisible BFF who I truly do stalk, to a human walking down a narrow path in a broken world, who said yes to God, the same as I could....IF only I would.

How do I explain this IF:Gathering I attended last weekend with 2,000 other women locally, and hundreds of thousands of other women electronically from all over the globe?  It's hard to do at best.


Women of Faith on steroids?  Perhaps that is accurate.


Beyond anything I have ever attended?  You could say that.


God-inspired?  Definitely.

Full of the Holy Spirit?  Yes, He was there.

Moving and inspirational?  Quite.

Challenging and life changing?  Certainly.

Ready for our 6:30 flight out of Des Moines.
Austin, TX, here we come!

Last October my man surprised me on our anniversary with tickets to this sold-out event, airline tickets, and hotel reservations.  Be still my ever loving heart.  This man is a keeper.  To top things off, my partner in crime for this event was arranged to be none other than my mom.  Hear me when I say, I was weeping like a little girl in Bravo after opening such a fab gift.  What a rarity to get to take a trip without my littles, and just my mom.  Bless my man for making it happen.

The minute the event started on Friday afternoon we knew there was something happening at this Gathering.  Something big.  God's spirit was there among us, and it left us sitting on the edge our seats in eager anticipation of what was yet to come.

We sang amazing songs, such as Break Every Chain, Good Good Father, Oceans, Even So Come, Sovereign Over Us, and more.  Listen to them.  They are good, and will move you, even while you sit at your computer and pretend to read my blog.  And go ahead and sing along with them, God will be pleased with your worship, even if you're in your jammies with your hair in a messy tail and no make-up on.  God still loves you woman.

Speaker after speaker blew us away with what they spoke based on the topic of FAITH, and to be honest, I would never be able to hold your attention long enough to lay out what each one said.  I'm just not that cool.  So, without further ado, here is my
Top 10 Take-away Quotes from my weekend:

1.  "Move from lives of sight to lives of faith" -Jennie Allen, session 1

Jen Hatmaker

2. "God is good.  You know it's true in the day, you find out if it's true in the night." -Jen Hatmaker, session 2

3.  "Surround yourself with those who will surround your bed on your last day." -Bob Goff, session 2

4.  "God is the Holy Here." -Ann Voskamp, session 2

Christine Caine

5.  "I am not the God of I was, I'm the God of I AM." -Christine Caine, session 3

6.  "Service is the key to destiny.  It means you trust God more than you trust your own marketing." -Christine Caine, session 3

7.  "Faithful does not equal fearless.  It means you have more faith than fear." -Christine Caine, session 3

8.  "Results are God's responsibility, response is ours." -Bianca Olthoff, session 4

9.  "Impossible situations are not intimidating to God." -Bianca Oltoff, session 4

10.  "God gives us the grace we need for right now.  Not tomorrow, not next week, right now." -Lynne Hybels, session 3


The theme of the whole event remains "IF God is real...THEN what?"  So I'm asking myself the same thing.  It's one of those scary questions that you maybe would rather not ask, because if you ask, you might will get an answer that takes you way, way, way out of your comfort zone.  And it is there that you realize you need to have faith in a God that you cannot see, so you can accomplish a purpose that is impossible on your own.

IF you dare ask yourself what your life should really look like if God is real, then take comfort in this verse as you move forward, because trust me, you will need something to cling to when God calls you to do something crazy...

I am before all things, and in Me all things hold together.

-Colossians 1:17

Please note that my feelings were only a little hurt when Jen Hatmaker didn't address me by name when I met her.  It's hurtful when your BFF doesn't acknowledge you in public, but I'm over it.  

Um, this cutest little necklace
was our ticket to the event...

the boy

On July 23, 2004 I was given a promotion.  One that I had been expecting for awhile, but as with all promotions, the timing has to be just right, and everything needs to line up in order for it to happen.  The thing about getting a promotion is that there is so much unknown... you are walking unchartered territory, you are expected to work harder and much longer to earn the title you were just given, and others begin to look at you in a different way.

My promotion gave me a title that I knew I would keep the rest of my life: Mom.

This sweet little pudgy boy entered my life...just one week past his due date.

I almost died.  I mean, not literally of course, modern medicine would hardly allow for that, but seriously, I almost died.

The funny thing about having a baby boy is that almost immediately people check out the size of his hands, or his feet and then comment on how he is going to be a great basketball player someday or how he has the perfect start to be an outstanding football player and he is destined to play baseball because just look at him, he's a boy.

So you buy balls.  Footballs...soccer balls...basketballs...baseballs...all of them in toddler size...collegiate size...professional size...because, well, he's a boy.  And boys play sports.

Then at 4 months old you start dressing your boy up in football jersey's and dream that someday, maybe 18 years down the road, after a lot of practice, your son might be wearing that jersey for real.

Here's the thing though, and you might want to sit down for this, not all boys have a passion for sports.

I know.  I will give that one a minute to process.

My boy is one of them.

Again, I will give you a minute.

Now don't get me wrong, the kid loves the rush he gets from flying down a mountain at top speeds on his snowboard, all while I sit at the top of the run crying and figuring out how to get down without breaking my old lady hip.  And he will shoot hoops or throw the football around a little bit.  But his eyes do not twinkle when he has a ball in his hand.

Our son turned 10 this past summer, and I have learned so much over the past decade about what our culture values, what is acceptable boy behavior, and how we, as a society, make our children feel like they have worth.

***I feel like I need a disclaimer here...please do not hear what I am not saying.  If your child has a passion for sports, is thriving in them, feels valuable and accomplished because of what they do, I think that's great.  I get it.  And this post is not meant to belittle that at all.***

Moving on.

Since the time Holden was a baby it has been my prayer that he would be a boy/man after God's own heart.  That God would grant him wisdom. (Sort of like King David, minus the affairs and what-not.) And part of what comes when you pray a prayer like that for your son is that if he is following hard after God, he may not be running hard after the things that his mom or his uncle or his grandpa or his peers or society feels are worthy.

A few months ago we were sitting in a doctors office and when the doctor came in he asked Holden what he liked to do, to which Holden just sort of shrugged his shoulders.  The doctor pried a little more and asked him if he like to play sports.  Nope.  Then asked if he was a big gamer.  Nope.  He went on and finally said, "Then what is it man?  What do you do for fun?"  To which Holden replied, with a sheepish shrug of his shoulder, "I like to work."

There is no doubt that this child of mine lives to work.  He feels validated, important, and fulfilled when he has a job to do.  Perhaps much the same way your child feels after hitting a home run or  making three pointers for his team.

I think so often we try to make our kids fit into a mold that our culture has produced.  Rather than seeing our kids for who God created them to be, each with unique gifts and talents, we assume they will participate in a particular sport or activity, because "I played it when I was in school and loved it."

I love in Ephisians 2:10(NLT) where it says, "For we are God's masterpiece.  He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."  And the really neat thing about all of this is seeing how different and unique God made each of us, and how it all works together for His good.

A few years ago I had to come to terms with reality...I am not a good decorator; I do not love to clean; I can lead praise team at church, but you will never hear a song of mine on the radio; I don't have the desire to run a marathon; my cookies never turn out how they are supposed to; and crafting feels like a form of torture to me.  God obviously did not gift me in these areas.  And I have wasted so much time comparing myself to others, and pondering what I am not, that for a long time I missed out on some of the good things that God planned long ago for me to do.

Bummer.

I'm not sure if it's just a North America thing, or a Pella, Iowa thing or if it's that way all over the world.  But I feel like there is so much pressure to always act perfect, look put together, have children that are quiet and well behaved, maintain your figure even after bringing 4 children into the world, bake gourmet treats that are only found and successful on Pinterest and the list goes on.  And quite frankly, I have had enough.  I have tried to add more flour and less butter to my cookies, but the truth is, baking just really not my gift or passion.

I have come to realize that no matter how hard I try, no matter how much time, money and effort I put into it, there are certain things that God simply did not create me to do.  So take a minute and examine your gifts, and consider what it is that God created you specifically to do.

And go do it.


Please note that I took bit of a break from the world of blogging(3 months to be exact) so that I could survive the holidays.  Mission accomplished.  And now I'm back.  Pretty sure the only one that even noticed my hiatus was my mom, but that's cool.

Cleanse: The Review

Well, I am now on day two post-cleanse and I am still trying to completely form my thoughts and opinion of my cleanse.  On one hand, it's nice to not have to start my day off with some pills and my "fiber smoothie."  On the other hand, since my ban on certain foods has been lifted, I am more tempted to just start my day off with a bowl full of sugar(i.e. cereal) and load up from there.




Over the past two weeks I have traded Mt. Dew for a Spark drink, chips for carrot sticks, candy for almonds, guacamole for mayo and pizza for salad after salad after salad...

So here is the good, the bad and the ugly regarding my 10-day cleanse.



The Good

My man and I took our kids to Des Moines last Friday night.  At first I was a bit concerned about where I would find something at a restaurant that I could eat.  After about 36 seconds of research I decided that Panera was going to be my best option, and the kids love it, so it was a win-win.  I ordered a salad that I had found on their website that wasn't on the menu.  Hello high maintenance.  Instead of the salad I ordered, they brought me their Power Chicken Hummus Bowl.  I wasn't super excited about the hummus, since I think hummus resembles baby poo, but with 4 hungry kids, an empty stomach of my own, and a desire to please, I thought I would give it a shot.  I was pleasantly surprised with the taste of this salad!  I'm not sure it looks so appetizing in the picture I took, but it was good, and I would recommend it!  So one good thing that came out of this cleanse is that I tried something new, and liked it.

Perk number 2 from my cleanse is the amount of extra energy I have!  I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not out running a marathon or anything, I don't have THAT much extra energy.  But instead of getting in a sugar-slump midday, I find myself perky-ish and my mind is clear(er).  Let's be real here, I still have 4 kids that drain me physically, mentally. and emotionally, but I am shocked at how alert I feel.  I feel almost human again.

And then remember how I wrote about that fabulous adult acne I was experiencing?  It's pretty much gone.  No more Greasy Gracie here.  I am now Glowing Gladys.

On day number 3 when I wanted to quit, and on day number 4 when I wanted was tempted to eat all of the halloween candy rather than hand it out to the kids, and then on day 5 when I wanted a Mt. Dew so bad I could taste it, and day number 6 when I had to resist a Starbuck's White Chocolate Mocha, and day number 7 when I wanted to order pizza, and day number 8 when I made scotcharoos and wanted to lick the frosting bowl out, and on days number 8, 9 & 10 when I just wanted to call it quits, my mom had my back.  And that was good.

The Bad

One of the major draw-backs of doing a cleanse is that I was not always able to eat what my family was eating.  For example, Cheeseburgers were on the menu one night, but instead of having a hamburger with cheese, mayo, ketchup, and a bun, I had a plain burger with guacamole on it.  I mean, it was good and all, but there is just something about a hamburger that requires all the fixins.  Sort of like...

Love and Marriage, love and marriage, 

go together like a horse and carriage.  

This I tell you brother, 

you can't have one without the other.

Try, try, try to separate them...it's an illusion

Another thing that falls into the "bad" category is my inability to eat what I want, where I want, when I want.  I took the girls thru the drive-thru at McDonald's for lunch one day because I am just that dumb, and had to plug my nose so I could resist the temptation of the fries.  I mean, come on, THE FRENCH FRIES PEOPLE!  I had been gnawing on raw spinach salads for exactly 9 days when this beautiful box of uneaten fries was left on my table.  Be still my heart.  I am happy to say that I was able to place them in the trash, uneaten, without cheating.  And honestly, the only thing that kept me from completely inhaling them was the fact that they were cold by the time I spotted them.  And cold fries aren't quite as tempting as hot, greasy, salty fries.  Mmmm.

The Ugly

Here are a few of the sweet things I wanted to eat so bad that I turned ugly when I couldn't...

Raw chocolate chip muffin mix.

By the spoonful if I could.

Scotcharoos.  Yum.

Halloween Candy.

Dying here.

Overall I am very glad I did the cleanse, and since I am scared to death of the repercussions that come with eating "real" food after doing a cleanse, I am still avoiding sugar and all greasy foods.  Which means that my life is still boring.  No pop.  No candy.  No raw cookie dough out of my freezer....yet.

Please note that this cleanse has in no way, shape or form made me better than you.  It just made me full of a few less toxins than you, whatever that means.  

Improvement

Alright.  If you read my post on Monday you know that my mom and I started a 10 day cleanse on Monday.  To be honest, Monday just was not a good day from the get-go.  We were about 10 minutes late getting out the door, which meant I didn't have time for breakfast, other than the fiber drink I think so highly of {insert sarcasm}.  The whole day just felt wonky, including the foreign mostly sugar-free food I was putting into my body.

I am happy to report that yesterday was much better, as is today!  Here is a recap of my last 36 hours...

Yesterday I started my day off on a better foot, found 36 seconds to make and eat breakfast instead of the standard 23, which meant I had time to make an egg, peel a banana, and mix my fiber drink in the blender with ice so it was more of a smoothie per say and less of a glorified cup of Pepto Bismol.

Then I was off to Des Moines for a shopping day with my mom (and no kids!!!  YAAAAAYYYY!!!) My mom is so sweet, she made me a pumpkin flavored smoothie to drink on the way since she knows I like pumpkin pie so much.  Aren't mom's the best!?!?  So we enjoyed a energy-packed drink on our drive, which totally got us off on the right foot.

We did a little shopping, and ended up at Whole Foods right before lunch.  Who knew that there were enough people trying to be healthy in this world that they require their own somewhat over-priced grocery store.  Well, my man knew I guess.

Since we were both feeling a little hangry (that's when your lack of food causes you to become both hungry and angry, frustrated, or both.  Look it up, it's in the Urban Dictionary.  For reals.) we decided to grab lunch there.  Anyway, Whole Foods has this salad bar that is a-ma-zing.  3 different salad bars, with 2 sides each, 90% of which we could eat. Score.  This is what we ended up with: Detox Salad(obviously had to get this one), Quinoa, and a corn salad.

This is some version of quinoa on top, and a 
detox salad on the bottom.  I'm pretty sure you
will all want to get some next tine you are near 
a Whole Foods, so you are welcome for the info.




I'm not sure if it tasted heavenly because we were so hungry, or just because it was that good.  But it all totally hit the spot.  Even if we were sitting in my mom's truck in the mall parking lot eating it.  Classy.  You can do that when you don't have messy kiddos in the backseat.

                                                                                                 Again, the quinoa is on the left, and a corn radish salad is 

on the right.  See that cute cup by the quinoa?  

That is what my pumpkin smoothie was in.  Love.

Off to the mall, where, HELLO, things like this are taking shape:

Shenanigans!  I don't even have costumes for my kids to wear tomorrow night for beggars night, and already Christmas decor has taken over department stores.  I mean, Younker's was kind of pretty, but still!  The crazy reindeer was a bit overpriced in my opinion.

Mid afternoon Starbuck's started calling my name, but I held strong and mixed up a grape Spark drink instead.  Trust me when I say that it didn't quite taste the same as a white chocolate mocha, but it was ok.

It did refuel me for a few more hours, and I grabbed a handful of mixed nuts for a little shot of protein, and made it through the afternoon full of energy and happy to continue to shop.  Typically by mid-late afternoon I am done.  I have no energy left, I am crabby, and my legs hurt.  But between the 60 ounces of water I was chugging and these energy drinks, I was shopping on fresh legs all day.  Great news for my man.

One of our stops before dinner was to Nordstrom Rack and Home Goods, which both just opened up by Jordan Creek Town Center.  I walked out of Nordstrom Rack empty handed, but I did make a couple of purchases at Home Goods.

                                              This is what I wanted to buy:

 This is what I bought though:

They are pretty much incomparable.  Trust me friends when I say one is NOT a substitute for the other. 

Since I was about to cave, it was clearly time to eat again.  And again, my amazing mom pulled through with these salads for each of us, which was Organic Spring Mix lettuce with a hard-boiled egg and homemade salad dressing.  You can call her Becky Homecky.  The only thing that would have made this salad better would have been some of Momma Jane's homemade croutons.  But alas, this are on the naughty list for the next week.  Sigh.  

We ate these delish salads in the parking lot of Costco in an attempt to help us resist the aisle of samples, all of which are also on the naughty list this week.  Amazingly enough, we were both feeling energetic yet at this point, and conquered Costco like it was our job.

Here is a picture of my mom and I on our final stop of the night, Target.

We had such a great day, we both felt great all day, even after a 12 hour shopping day.  Now maybe I will need to do another spending fast after I get rid of all of my toxins.  I can only work on one thing at a time here, friends.

Please note that I am sorry if you're mom isn't as cool as my mom.  Mine can't be borrowed or rented out, so don't even try.

Cleanse...and not the closet type

Have you ever said 'yes' to something, and after giving it some serious thought changed your mind, but it was too late to to say 'no', so you just went with it anyway, and then right when you started the thing you said 'yes' to you wanted to jump ship, but your pride got the better of you and so you stuck with it even though you really didn't want to?

I am not talking about my marriage here.  I would say yes to my man a million times over.  Although I wonder if he would ask me again if given the chance to do it over?  Well, for the sake of argument we are going to say that he would, and move on.

A good friend of mine started selling Advocare Products a couple years ago.  For awhile I avoided her like a plague because I didn't want her pressuring me into doing something wack like eating healthy.  Then after a few days months, I realized that she wasn't the pushy type, so I could hang out with her again.

Fast forward a couple of years.

About a month ago I was starting to feel very sluggish, and noticed that my face was starting to resemble that of a j-high girl going through the awkward puberty stage.  Adult acne is about as awesome as, well, nothing.  I did a little research, googled "cleanse" came up with a millions options, of which 'Advocare' was at the top of.  Lovely.  Clicked on the 'Dr. Oz Cleanse' option, decided I wasn't dedicated enough to go about this on my own....I mean who really has the time or ingredients to make a smoothie each morning that includes flax seeds, coconut water, ginger-flavored kumbocha, silken tofu, carrot juice, beet root, and the like!?!?  I have approximately 23 seconds each morning to eat breakfast.  Which is pry why I am in this predicament to begin with.  Anyway, then I clicked on the Advocare link and read this:

Toxins are everywhere – in the foods we eat, the air we breathe and the ground we walk on. These toxins build up in our body and may contribute to weight gain, loss of overall energy and poor skin tone, among other detrimental effects. 

Who knew!?!?

I was sold.

So then I did what any awesome daughter would do, I suckered my mom into doing this crazy 10 day Herbal Cleanse with me, because I need somebody to lean on when I'm not strong....or laugh with when all I want to do is gnaw my own arm off because I am in udder and complete sugar withdrawal.  Anyway, our regiment includes drinking this Peaches & Cream Fiber Drink in the morning.  Don't be deceived by the pretty package.  It is ew.  Just ew.  I don't care who makes it, the reality is that no fiber drink is good, and you can't convince me otherwise.  I literally gagged it down this morning.  Only 5 more of these to go...it's going to be a serious game of mind over matter here.

And we have to eat healthy, natural foods.  Say what!?!?!  That's all good, except that I pretty much live on Mt Dew and candy pumpkins right now.  THEY GET ME THROGH MY EVER-LOVING, NEVER-ENDING, HOMEWORK-SATURATED, PIANO-PRACTICING, LONG DAY WITH 4 KIDS!  The reality is that when I gave up shopping a year ago, I took up eating sugar.  Oh, fine, I've lived on sugar my whole life.  Read this fine print on the cleanse brochure and weep with me:

I cannot even.

When I am hungry, I am crabby.  Like, I am talking a 6-week old baby screaming, crying, and kicking their legs crabby.  When I am crabby, life goes to pot here.  So it was important that I be able to eat something while doing this to keep my energy level up as well as my happy mommy attitude.  The beauty of the Advocare cleanse is that for those 10 things I need to avoid for 10 days, there is a whole gammet of things I can eat.  And a green smoothie is NOT a required drink.  Bless.

So here's a recap for all of you, showing what I eat on a normal day vs. what I ate today.  Please be impressed.

                              Normal                                                                          Cleanse
Breakfast:  2 pieces of toast with margarine and Grandma Jam          1 banana
                   a glass of milk                                                                    a glass of delicious fiber drink

Snack:        1 can of Mt. Dew                                                               1 20-oz. bottle of water
                   A handful of candy                                                            1 banana

Lunch:        Whatever I can find...sandwich, mac'n'cheese,                 Raw spinach salad with
                    leftovers, Culver's, etc.                                                       chicken breast, blueberries,
                   And maybe another Mt Dew if I am feeling thirsty             apples, and walnuts, with
                                                                                                                raspberry vinaigrette*
                                                                                                              Water to drink

Snack:        A few crackers and more candy...                                      Spark Energy Drink(not as
                                                                                                                bad as it's fiber friend)

Dinner:       Whatever is on the menu board...Strombolli,                     Grilled hamburger, no bun,
                    Corn Casserole, BLT's, chips, etc.                                       with tomatoes, onion and
                    Water                                                                                     lettuce, spinach salad
                                                                                                               Water

*not sure this is legit, but throw me a bone here people, I have been gnawing on raw spinach the whole live-long day

So far on day one I have not snapped at or strangled anyone yet, so I would consider that a success.


Please note that you are all full of toxins, but Jesus still loves you, so carry on.  

Unconditional Love

12 years ago, this happened:

What!?!?  And yes, that is my natural hair color, for those of you that have always wondered.

On that day my man stood up in front of all of our family and friends and spoke these words to me:

I, Zach, take you Lindsay,

to be my wife in Christian marriage.

I promise God, and I promise you that 

I will be Christian in my actions and attitudes.  

I will serve the Lord with you; 

I will provide Christian leadership in our home.  

I will work to meet our financial responsibilities;

 I will be faithful to you and to you alone.  

I will pray for you and encourage you, 

I will weep with you in sorrow, rejoice with you in blessings, 

and be your faithful companion until Christ calls us home.  

I make these promises to you, with the help of God.  

I'm pretty sure I cried.  And I'm also pretty sure that I didn't hear a single word that he said to me.  Instead, I heard something like this:

I, Zach, take you Lindsay,

to be my wife in Christian marriage

as long as you look put together, never gain weight,

always do your hair and make-up,

keep the house clean and organized,

never wreck a vehicle,

raise perfect children, 

be amazing all the time,

never make a mistake,

never fail.

I make these promises to you, may God help you.

From the time we started dating I had myself convinced that my man would only love me if I was perfect.  And why would I think differently?!?!  We are living in a society where you can get a drive-thru divorce if you want one....not literally, but close(don't worry babe, I just did the research on that for blog-related reasons).  

You don't like how your spouse look?  Divorce them.  They drive you crazy in a not-so-good sort of way?  Divorce them.  You found somebody else that is better suited for you than what you have?  Then divorce your current spouse and move on.  Your marriage is hard and you just don't really want to work at it?  Please don't inconvenience yourself or put forth any effort, rather just walk away from that commitment.

Media and celebrities, and all of culture alike do a great job at hammering home the message that if you aren't the perfect person, then your spouse isn't going to love you.  And taking it even further than that, if you don't satisfy your spouses needs or meet their every expectation, then they have every right to walk away due to irreconcilable differences.  I don't even know what that means.

Over the last 12 years I in no way have been the perfect spouse.  I have thrown temper tantrums.  I have been selfish, demanding, and all sorts of unloving.  It's hard to believe, but I might have one or two annoying habits(but really, it's probably just one).  There have been ugly haircuts that made me all sorts of unattractive.  There have been bouts of morning sickness and days of waking up to morning breath.  My chest has deflated itself and my love handles have grown.  Grey hairs have taken over my head, and varicose veins now decorate my legs.  I know there are many more things about me that gives my man reason walk away from me in the worlds eyes, yet he hasn't.  And the devil reminds me often(at lease once an hour) about how imperfect I really am.  How I am completely unworthy of love.

God's love.

My man's love.

Anyone's love.

He spews lies at me, telling me that there is no possible way my man would ever want to be "with" me based on how my body looks right now.  He can't possible be turned on by this aging, sagging, deflated, jiggly body.  He has me convinced that my man's love is very dependent on me.  The devil is trying to get a foothold, create a crack on our marriage, so that he can wedge himself in there and create distance and pain.  And you know what, some days it works.  There are days that I eat up those lies he feeds me like a yummy piece of Hershey's Chocolate cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory(SO, SO good, by the way, and worth every calorie). 

But this guy, the one I committed myself to long before we said, "I do," he doesn't believe those lies.  And he doesn't love me only on a good day or a pretty day.  He loves me on those days that I can't find time for a shower and my hair is a mess.  He loves me when I am dressed up and on a date with him.  He loves me when I am acting ugly, and when I am being lovely.  He loves me after a disagreement and when I am cordial.


His love is not conditional.  

The pastor that married us used 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, which also happens to be the verses Zach used when he proposed to me.  I'm sure you just about know that passage by heart...

It's some-what cliche, but it still speaks volumes, especially in our world today.  I came across these  footnotes in my bible a couple of years ago, based on Matthew 5:31-32:

Unconditional love doesn't just happen on it's own.  It has to be very, very intentional.  And what I've found, especially after having kids, is that for me it's easier to give unconditional love than it is to receive it.  The devil is always ready to pounce on my flaws and remind me that if only I was better at this or more of that, then people would love me. 

I think what I hate the most is how hard the devil works at convincing me that I am nothing and not worthy of love.  

But what I love the most is that I have this great guy and an even greater God on my side working harder to convince me that what the devil says simply isn't true.

And you're gonna have to face it, what it really boils down to, is that my man is simply addicted to love...

Please note that my blog is a form of free therapy for me.  Sorry if I say too much, but rest assured that with each paragraph typed, there is one that I leave untyped in my head.  

Walk

For the past 10 years I have pushed a stroller on my walk.  A single stroller, then a double, back to a single, back to a double, and finally a single again.  I have pushed my children hundreds of miles around the streets of our quaint little town.  For many years my stroller chased the wheels of a bike ridden by one of my older kids.

That all changed about a month ago, when this happened:

Our baby started school.  Three School to be exact.  And that left me with an empty stroller on my walk a couple of mornings a week.  For a moment I considered pushing an empty stroller on my walk around town, but after considering how much crazier that would make me look, I decided to leave my wheels at home and hit the pavement solo.

I had been longing for this day for, well, 10 years.  A walk.  By myself.  Quiet.  Relaxing.  No snacks to dish out.  No one begging me for a drink of my water (that I desperately need to survive).  No one asking me questions every 2.5 seconds(I'm not even kidding about that number.  I've timed it before.) No one chucking books or toys in the grass when they are done playing with them.

Just me.

And when I took off that first day after dropping our baby off at school, I suddenly felt very, well, exposed I guess is the word.  For 10 years I have hid behind that stroller.  As long as I had the stroller in front of me I had an excuse to stop mid-jog, for the "needs" of my child.  My legs, which aren't exactly that of a teenager anymore, were hidden quite nicely behind the stroller.  And with that stroller out in front me I had my hands full, so I wasn't able to take on more.

And that all changed, quite quickly on that Tuesday morning in early September for me as I left my baby behind and took off on my own.

Suddenly I could hear God speaking to me, which I'm sure He tried to do earlier, but was drowned out by the one in the stroller seat.  And what He said has changed me, "No more hiding.  No more using your kids as an excuse for your lack of involvement in My Kingdom.  Take your eyes off of the space in front of you and look around at the needs that surround you.  Those hands that are accustomed to gripping a handle?  Use them.  Stop hiding and start working for Me."

And I immediately wanted my stroller back.

I wanted to hide.  I preferred to be too "busy" with my own life to hear God calling me to do more.

I had heard that voice before, the one that calls you when you are least expecting it.  The voice that asks you to do something that you weren't exactly thinking about.  And I wanted to ignore it then too.  But all of the sudden it makes sense.  If I want a real faith, one that takes me places I don't really want to go, then I have to be listening for that voice that will prompt me towards "good works, which God prepared beforehand, that I{we} should walk in them." (Ephesians 2:10, ESV, emphasis added).

After 10 years of hiding, God is calling me to take steps of faith in my journey, trusting Him when things don't make sense.  Leaning on Him when I am at the end of me and He has called me to give more.  Walking a road that is not one on my map.

It's scary, it's crazy, it's overwhelming, but it's good, because God is good.  All the time.


Please note that I fully believe that raising kids who love and know God is kingdom work in and of itself.  But apparently doing that with 4 kids isn't quite enough, and God has something more in mind...so if I look crazy scared or tired or stressed out next time you see me, give me grace as I walk in faith....oh wait, I've looked that way for the past 10 years, so I will probably just look "normal".