That all changed about a month ago, when this happened:
Our baby started school. Three School to be exact. And that left me with an empty stroller on my walk a couple of mornings a week. For a moment I considered pushing an empty stroller on my walk around town, but after considering how much crazier that would make me look, I decided to leave my wheels at home and hit the pavement solo.
I had been longing for this day for, well, 10 years. A walk. By myself. Quiet. Relaxing. No snacks to dish out. No one begging me for a drink of my water (that I desperately need to survive). No one asking me questions every 2.5 seconds(I'm not even kidding about that number. I've timed it before.) No one chucking books or toys in the grass when they are done playing with them.
Just me.
And when I took off that first day after dropping our baby off at school, I suddenly felt very, well, exposed I guess is the word. For 10 years I have hid behind that stroller. As long as I had the stroller in front of me I had an excuse to stop mid-jog, for the "needs" of my child. My legs, which aren't exactly that of a teenager anymore, were hidden quite nicely behind the stroller. And with that stroller out in front me I had my hands full, so I wasn't able to take on more.
And that all changed, quite quickly on that Tuesday morning in early September for me as I left my baby behind and took off on my own.
Suddenly I could hear God speaking to me, which I'm sure He tried to do earlier, but was drowned out by the one in the stroller seat. And what He said has changed me, "No more hiding. No more using your kids as an excuse for your lack of involvement in My Kingdom. Take your eyes off of the space in front of you and look around at the needs that surround you. Those hands that are accustomed to gripping a handle? Use them. Stop hiding and start working for Me."
And I immediately wanted my stroller back.
I wanted to hide. I preferred to be too "busy" with my own life to hear God calling me to do more.
I had heard that voice before, the one that calls you when you are least expecting it. The voice that asks you to do something that you weren't exactly thinking about. And I wanted to ignore it then too. But all of the sudden it makes sense. If I want a real faith, one that takes me places I don't really want to go, then I have to be listening for that voice that will prompt me towards "good works, which God prepared beforehand, that I{we} should walk in them." (Ephesians 2:10, ESV, emphasis added).
After 10 years of hiding, God is calling me to take steps of faith in my journey, trusting Him when things don't make sense. Leaning on Him when I am at the end of me and He has called me to give more. Walking a road that is not one on my map.
It's scary, it's crazy, it's overwhelming, but it's good, because God is good. All the time.
Please note that I fully believe that raising kids who love and know God is kingdom work in and of itself. But apparently doing that with 4 kids isn't quite enough, and God has something more in mind...so if I look crazy scared or tired or stressed out next time you see me, give me grace as I walk in faith....oh wait, I've looked that way for the past 10 years, so I will probably just look "normal".
