Issues of the heart: jealousy

He had already put in a full day of work, leaving well before my eyes were ready to open for the day. His job that day had taken him out of town, and after his work day was done, he drove straight to his next project, which left me sitting at home barefoot and pregnant entertaining our nearly 1-year-old son on my own for yet another evening.  Alone.

I knew what my next step had to be.  I was planning in my head how I would pack a bag for my son and I, and we would drive out to my parents house and stay with them, assuming they would have us as house guests, indefinitely.  It seemed like the best solution, according to the little voice in my head.  The little voice that tells me that if my man really loved me he would put me before any project.  He would see that I needed him at home helping raise our son worse.  He would be giving me the time and attention I need each day to feel loved.  That little voice had me so convinced that the only solution to the problem was giving up on my marriage.  This is not what I had signed up for when I said, "I do".  When I made that vow less than 3 years earlier to love my man, I had visions of taking family strolls around the neighborhood; sitting on the floor reading books to our son together; taking our baby to the park to play; spending time together.  Not sitting at home jealous of a project that was stealing my man's time from me.

I was burning with anger, and my love tank was on 'E'.

Not that kind of love tank.  Ew.

The love tank that Gary Chapman talked about in his book "The 5 Love Languages."  We had read that book together, and established that my love language is quality time.  Which would explain why I was overcome with jealousy towards a project.  I was jealous that my man would give his few free hours each day to something other than me.  I understand that makes me sound, well, a little immature or childish or whatever.  But I need time to feel loved.  (If you want to find out what you need to feel loved, read that book, you will not be disappointed.)

I remember when I was in about 5th grade and my teacher, Mr. B, would talk about how God was a jealous God.  It was such a funny concept to me, because it had been hammered in my head that we weren't supposed to be jealous of others and what they have, yet this God who is over all and above all is jealous.

Exodus 20:4-6(NRS), states, "You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.  You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me, but showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments."

If that passage isn't clear enough, flip a few pages to the right where Moses tell us in Deuteronomy 4:28, "For the Lord your God is a devouring fire, a jealous God."

God demands my exclusive loyalty and affection.  Just as I was demanding that from my man.  And all the sudden I understand what my teacher was talking about a few years ago.  God wants all of me...my time, my attention, He wants to know that He matters to me.  It seems to me that God has lots of love languages...quality time, acts of service, gifts, etc.  And when I fail to show my love to Him in those ways he becomes jealous, just like I did.

And it makes sense, doesn't it?

Just as I was jealous of the time my man was giving to his project, and I was left feeling forgotten, so God feels when I fill my time with things other than him...Facebook, e-mail, movies, television, exercising, and the list goes on.  One pretty awesome thing about God though is that he isn't tempted to pack His bags and call it quits.  We are given that promise in Hebrews 13:5, "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you."

Praise the Lord for that.


Please note that even if I would have gotten up enough courage to pack my bags and drive out to my parents, I am about 99.9% sure that my dad, in all his wisdom, would have told me to get my bottom back in my car, drive back home, and fight for my man and my marriage....dad's really do know best...

On becoming 35

It didn't just happen overnight.  It took 12,780 days to accomplish what I am about to do.

That's right friends, I am on the brink of turning 35 fabulous years old.  Well, 35 used to be old, like when I was 21.  But I am starting to think that 35 is the new 21.  Right?  Just smile and nod.

Well, if I could talk to my 21-year-old self, there are so many things I would say, like the following...

Enjoy those smooth legs that don't jiggle or resemble cottage cheese, your lack of love handles that really aren't that lovely, your bladder control, abs, non-jiggly toned upper arms, and your perky chest that is a far cry from the deflated-balloon look that is coming.  Ok, who am I kidding, I've never really had a chest, but I had to put it in there.  You might think your body will never age, but you are oh so wrong.  You too shall fall victim to gravity.

Have fun, but not too much fun.  Soon enough you will be watching Barney and eating stale Goldfish, so take time to enjoy the here and now, and don't get lost longing for "someday".

Read your Bible.  Over.  And over.  And over again.

Try not to get so caught up in the little things, that you loose sight of the big picture.

You are not the center of the universe.  So stop acting like you are.

Save yourself $20,000 and quit school...your real job someday won't care if you know about Corporate Finance or Business Law or Computer Programing or Calculus.  Your employer will be more concerned with your ability to build towers, play house, read books, and give good-night kisses.

Have patience.  And remember that His ways are not your ways.  And that's ok.

Sleep.  A lot.  To make up for the years to come when you will not sleep so much.

Don't be scared to try new things.  People will always have opinions on what you should or should not do, but the most important thing is to follow hard after what God is calling you to.  Learn how to play the violin, sky dive, grow a garden, sing on praise team at church, start that blog...oh wait, when I was 21 there was no such thing as a blog...

Break up with that boy.  He might be a great guy, but there is one that is even greater for you, so don't waste your time on another.

Give grace...especially to that greater guy I just mentioned.

Stick with only getting your ears pierced.

Love your brown hair...it will not always be just brown.

Eat dessert after every meal...your metabolism is at it's prime, and by the time you reach 35 you will only need to think about eating dessert for those calories to haunt you.

Stop judging everybody and start assuming the best in them.

Don't blink, because before you know it you will be 35.

And last but not least...The best is yet to come.  You might think life is good and full right now, that going to college and hanging with friends all day is as good as it can ever get, but you are so, so wrong.  Pretty soon you will be hanging out with mini-yous all day, watching them develop into these little people and every milestone will be amazing.  You will be married to your best friend, the one who laughs with you, hugs you when you cry, and holds your hand when times get tough.  And that is better than anything that being 21 could offer.


Please note that despite the fact that I am starting to feel a little older, I would never trade being 35 for being 21 again...well, maybe for like 1 day I would trade my body.  But that's all.  Oh, and perhaps a full night of sleep.

Smart {phone}

I said I would never do it.

And then I forgot 2 of my girls' doctors appointments.  And a few-ish tutoring sessions for my son.  And a dinner date with some friends.  Ok fine, and an Art Center class for my daughter.

Then this showed up:

This is like my man's dream come true.  He is so techy, and I am so, well, not.

I bet you are thinking to yourself, "What the what!?!?  She just cut up her credit card only to spend an unreasonable amount of money on a phone!?!?  I don't get it!"

Well, neither do I sweet readers, but I do know that this gadget has a calendar app that I plan on wearing out.  This sweet little rectangle of wires is going to remind me, multiple times when I have an appointment that I am about it miss.  When I am on a bike ride with the kids at the lake, it will let me know that I am really supposed to be sitting in the doctors office with 2 of them.

Bless.

But from the minute this pretty white life-organizer showed up, I can feel it pulling me.

"Check for messages!"

"Take a selfie, because you can now without having to guess where to hold your phone all while smiling at nobody!"

"Make sure nobody has updated their Facebook status in the last 2 1/2 minutes."

"Text somebody.  ANYBODY!"

Ugh...and it beeps all the whole live long day about who knows what!?!?!

So my question today is this: Is a smart phone really that smart?

And my answer is: the verdict is still out.

iPhone's slogan is, "You're more powerful than you think.  With iPhone 5s you have the power to do everyday things in extraordinary ways, and extraordinary things every day."

I think cell phones are great for a multitude of reasons, one being that my kids can get ahold of me if they have an emergency.  But on the flip side, I have noticed that my son especially thinks that everything is an "emergency."

I also think they are great when it comes to communicating with people who are difficult/impossible to get ahold of, like a busy mother of 4.  However, they take that mother of 4 away from being a mother to those 4 when said mom is on the phone at the grocery store...and park...and in the bus truck.

It's fun that my kids can sit quietly through an entire dinner out while entertaining themselves with a game on my phone, yet I have just lost precious time that I could have been talking with them.

I love that I will have the ability to take video and/or pictures of my kids doing essentially everything all day everyday, but I have come to realize that sometimes the only lens we need to look through to capture the moment is the one God gave us.

Oh I could go on and on, but I will wrap it up by saying that I think as long as I am smart about using my phone, it will make me "smarter," but it can quickly turn even the smartest people into the dumbest...especially when they walk into a pole while looking down to check Facebook.  Apple, there isn't anything extraordinary about that.


Please note that this post was not intended to brag at all about what phone I have, but rather to warn myself especially of the dangers that come along with such a smarty pants.

The Break-up

Dear Credit Card,

This relationship is not working out.

We've been having problems for some time now, as you may know.

It's not you, it's me.

But ok, really it's you...

I hate the way you let me use you, abuse use, and take advantage of you.  I wish you had a backbone and put up a fight sometimes.  And I really wish that you would tell me 'no'.  Instead you sit there in my bilfold all red and shiny and pretty, just begging to be used.

I hate how easy you are.  Instead of sliding through the credit card machine while I am checking out, I wish you would give me a shock like a taser so I would have to really, really want something bad enough to go through pain for it.

I hate the way your statements show up every month in my inbox, all cheery and happy-go-lucky, when the numbers I find inside make me feel anything but cheery or happy.

I hate the way I find comfort in you in a moment of stress.  You act as if you can solve all of my problems with a little retail therapy, when really you just create more.

You deceive me.

Lie to me.

And leave me feeling empty.

I hate the way you whisper sweet-nothings to me, even though you don't have a voice.  You tell me that as long as I have you, I don't need anything or anybody else.  Certainly not a Savior.  He can't buy me fancy shoes or nice clothes or soft toilet paper the way you can.

I hate it when I get a notice in the mail that you have increased my limit with you, as if we don't get enough of each other the way it is.

I hate the way you make me think that I am more secure with you riding around in my wallet.  Like you could save me from any old problem or expense that came my way.

I hate how truly out of control our relationship is.  We keep tiptoeing around each other, thinking that things will get better.  But they don't.

I'm done.  I don't deserve this, I really do not deserve this.

Sorry, Red, I really wish it didn't have to end like this.

But I don't see any way around the inevitable.

We had a great run, and lots of fun.  But now it's time for me to move on.  Without you.

And so, it's over.


Please note that there are really only 2 places that will be sad about this break-up...Pella Christian Grade School, because  Target will no longer donate 1% of my purchases at Target to the school, and Target itself because I will no longer spend to my hearts content because of the ever-enticing 5% discount...plus free shipping...but who's counting anyway.  I really, really hope that Target can make it without me.