Unconditional Love

12 years ago, this happened:

What!?!?  And yes, that is my natural hair color, for those of you that have always wondered.

On that day my man stood up in front of all of our family and friends and spoke these words to me:

I, Zach, take you Lindsay,

to be my wife in Christian marriage.

I promise God, and I promise you that 

I will be Christian in my actions and attitudes.  

I will serve the Lord with you; 

I will provide Christian leadership in our home.  

I will work to meet our financial responsibilities;

 I will be faithful to you and to you alone.  

I will pray for you and encourage you, 

I will weep with you in sorrow, rejoice with you in blessings, 

and be your faithful companion until Christ calls us home.  

I make these promises to you, with the help of God.  

I'm pretty sure I cried.  And I'm also pretty sure that I didn't hear a single word that he said to me.  Instead, I heard something like this:

I, Zach, take you Lindsay,

to be my wife in Christian marriage

as long as you look put together, never gain weight,

always do your hair and make-up,

keep the house clean and organized,

never wreck a vehicle,

raise perfect children, 

be amazing all the time,

never make a mistake,

never fail.

I make these promises to you, may God help you.

From the time we started dating I had myself convinced that my man would only love me if I was perfect.  And why would I think differently?!?!  We are living in a society where you can get a drive-thru divorce if you want one....not literally, but close(don't worry babe, I just did the research on that for blog-related reasons).  

You don't like how your spouse look?  Divorce them.  They drive you crazy in a not-so-good sort of way?  Divorce them.  You found somebody else that is better suited for you than what you have?  Then divorce your current spouse and move on.  Your marriage is hard and you just don't really want to work at it?  Please don't inconvenience yourself or put forth any effort, rather just walk away from that commitment.

Media and celebrities, and all of culture alike do a great job at hammering home the message that if you aren't the perfect person, then your spouse isn't going to love you.  And taking it even further than that, if you don't satisfy your spouses needs or meet their every expectation, then they have every right to walk away due to irreconcilable differences.  I don't even know what that means.

Over the last 12 years I in no way have been the perfect spouse.  I have thrown temper tantrums.  I have been selfish, demanding, and all sorts of unloving.  It's hard to believe, but I might have one or two annoying habits(but really, it's probably just one).  There have been ugly haircuts that made me all sorts of unattractive.  There have been bouts of morning sickness and days of waking up to morning breath.  My chest has deflated itself and my love handles have grown.  Grey hairs have taken over my head, and varicose veins now decorate my legs.  I know there are many more things about me that gives my man reason walk away from me in the worlds eyes, yet he hasn't.  And the devil reminds me often(at lease once an hour) about how imperfect I really am.  How I am completely unworthy of love.

God's love.

My man's love.

Anyone's love.

He spews lies at me, telling me that there is no possible way my man would ever want to be "with" me based on how my body looks right now.  He can't possible be turned on by this aging, sagging, deflated, jiggly body.  He has me convinced that my man's love is very dependent on me.  The devil is trying to get a foothold, create a crack on our marriage, so that he can wedge himself in there and create distance and pain.  And you know what, some days it works.  There are days that I eat up those lies he feeds me like a yummy piece of Hershey's Chocolate cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory(SO, SO good, by the way, and worth every calorie). 

But this guy, the one I committed myself to long before we said, "I do," he doesn't believe those lies.  And he doesn't love me only on a good day or a pretty day.  He loves me on those days that I can't find time for a shower and my hair is a mess.  He loves me when I am dressed up and on a date with him.  He loves me when I am acting ugly, and when I am being lovely.  He loves me after a disagreement and when I am cordial.


His love is not conditional.  

The pastor that married us used 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, which also happens to be the verses Zach used when he proposed to me.  I'm sure you just about know that passage by heart...

It's some-what cliche, but it still speaks volumes, especially in our world today.  I came across these  footnotes in my bible a couple of years ago, based on Matthew 5:31-32:

Unconditional love doesn't just happen on it's own.  It has to be very, very intentional.  And what I've found, especially after having kids, is that for me it's easier to give unconditional love than it is to receive it.  The devil is always ready to pounce on my flaws and remind me that if only I was better at this or more of that, then people would love me. 

I think what I hate the most is how hard the devil works at convincing me that I am nothing and not worthy of love.  

But what I love the most is that I have this great guy and an even greater God on my side working harder to convince me that what the devil says simply isn't true.

And you're gonna have to face it, what it really boils down to, is that my man is simply addicted to love...

Please note that my blog is a form of free therapy for me.  Sorry if I say too much, but rest assured that with each paragraph typed, there is one that I leave untyped in my head.