Change

Life is all about changes.

Good. Bad.  And otherwise.

As much as we want things to stay the same, especially if we are in a good spot, they keep changing.

Your family of 5 unexpectedly becomes a party of 6.

A friend is diagnosed with cancer.

Your children's nanny leaves for college.

A grandparent is moved into a nursing home.

Your friend moves to another state.

Things always seem to change.  And how you perceive those changes depends a lot on which side of the change you are on.

I can easily and honestly say that I do not like change.  I may even go as far as saying that I. hate. change.  There are these people out there who thrive on change.  I am not one of them.

I cry at the start of every school year, and I cry at the end of every school year, because they both represent change (and growth).  A new teacher.  A new summer schedule.  New classroom expectations.  New. New. New.  I just want to stick with the familiar and "old."  I offered to pay one of my child's teachers to homeschool them for the rest of their life.  The teacher did not take the bait.  As if.

But maybe it's not the change itself that is hard, but instead just the anticipation of it all that gets me.  Not sure.

Going into my fast I knew that it would be challenging and a big change.  Although I didn't go in kicking and screaming, I wasn't exactly excited about it.  Case in point, the time that I walked out of Target empty handed and quite huffy because of it.  As I walked through the parking lot I had a little chat with my Jesus...asking him for something good to come out of what I was doing.(Testing. Testing. 1-2-3)  

I knew 6 months ago that a change needed to happen in me.  Through me.  For me.  But I didn't know what that change would be, until I agreed to this fast.  

Today is my last official day of my fast.  

Tomorrow I am free.  

I'm just sure Martin Luther King Jr. was thinking of the end my fast when he spoke the words, "Free at last, Free at last, thank God almighty I am(we are) free at last."

Maybe not. 

Anyway, I will be free as a bird to shop to my heart's content, and there isn't a thing you can say about it.  Well, except maybe my man.  He can pry say something about it.  But I pry won't go shopping.  Mostly because it's Tulip Time in our quaint little Dutch town.  Oh, ok, fine.  I guess maybe, just maybe, refraining from shopping tomorrow has less to do with parades and good food filling my schedule and more to do with the fact that something really has changed in me over the last 6 months.  Not the kind of change that makes me do an embarrassing blubbery cry, but the kind of change that I didn't even realize was taking place.

So what has changed in me, you are wondering.  Hmm.    

Not sure I can answer that questions exactly I guess.  Can't quite put my finger on one specific thing.

But I have changed. 

And I know that I don't really want to go back to who I was on Day 1 of Many.

I am reading this book(because, you know, that is all I really do all day besides eat bon-bons and watch soap operas) entitled Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist.  It's a great book, one in which Shauna shares her thoughts on change, grace and learning the hard way.  Following is a paragraph that hit home, especially at the end of my fast...

I now know that I can make it through more than I thought, with less than I thought.  I know better than to believe that the changes are over, and I know better than to believe the next ones will be easier, but I've learned the hard way that change is one of God's greatest gifts and one of his most useful tools.  I've learned the hard way that change can push us, pull us, rebuke and remake us.  It can show us who we've become, in the worst ways, and also in the best ways.  I've learned that it's not something to run away from, as though we could, and I've learned that in many cases, change is not a function of life's cruelty but instead a function of God's graciousness.

I keep praying that God will reveal to me what my next step is...but He must be on vacay with the rest of this town in anticipation of Tulip Time this weekend, because He has not revealed it to me yet.  

Am I going to keep blogging?  Not sure.

Am I going to keep fasting?  Don't know.

Am I open to whatever, whatever God calls me to, even if it's a big change?  Think so.


Please note that there are no words for me to tell you how much I have appreciated all of you walking with me the past 6 months.  I have laughed at myself and my posts a lot, I have cried a few times while typing, and I have fought off the devil with the help of my God...and I hope that you have been blessed through all of it.

I would love to receive any feedback regarding my blog or stories of how God has changed you either on Facebook, in the comment space below, or via e-mail: zldevries@hotmail.com.  No hate mail please.