Delivery

You will never guess who just stopped at my house.

The UPS man.

You will never guess what he brought.

A package from The Children's Place.

Oh thank you Jesus.  It is like water to a thirsty soul.

And here I sit staring at the package, and instead of feeling excited, I feel a little dirty.  Like I don't even want to open it because if I do then I will not only feel like a failure, I will pry be one.

Now, the lines are a little blurry when it comes to buying clothes for the kids.  It is a purchase that has to be approved by my man, and he has to see that it is something they need, not just something I want for them.

Why does my man need to approve it you ask?  Because he provides a fresh pair of eyes in all of this.  His eyes are God's tool right now.  What I see as a need, he can clearly see as a want or a longing of my heart.

So I guess time will tell if I am able to keep the contents of the package, or if my man sees the items nearly as a product of my deceitful heart.

Jeremiah 17:9-10 boasts the following:
The heart is deceitful above all things 
  and beyond cure.
  Who can understand it?
I the Lord search the heart
  and examine the mind,
to reward a man according to his conduct,
  according to what his deeds deserve.

My footnote puts it in easy-to-read form by saying "God makes it clear why we sin--it's a matter of the heart.  Our hearts have been inclined toward sin from the time we were born.  It is easy to fall into the routine of forgetting and forsaking God.  But we can still choose whether or not to continue in sin.  We can yield to a specific temptation, or we can ask God to help us resist temptation when it comes."

Crap.

I think I forgot to ask God to help me resist temptation when it came knocking.  And now this package is sitting on my counter.

I went shopping with a good friend on Saturday, and felt like I did a great job of resisting temptation.

I had a few very specific things that I was looking for, including a black sweater for one girl, and Christmas dresses for the other two.  I would also like to point out that the older 2 kids will be wearing "old" clothes for Christmas this year, so in my mind I am doing good by not insisting on new outfits for all 4.

What I came away with was 4 bags of adult women's clothes and one sweet little dress for Boo.

The other clothes was for my mom.

And she did need it.  Especially after I went out there 3 weeks ago and made her donate a majority of her things to Bible for Missions Thrift Store.

Anyway, back to my Christmas clothes dilemma and the package sitting on my counter...

I read this little ditty in Seven over the weekend, and it hit home:
If a fast doesn't include any sacrifices, then it's not a fast.  The discomfort is where the magic happens.  Life zips along, unchecked and automatic.  We default to our lifestyle, enjoying our privileges tra la la, but a fast interrupts that rote trajectory.  Jesus gets a fresh platform in the empty space where indulgence resided.  It's like jeans you wear every day without thinking, but take them off and walk outside, and you'll become terribly aware of their absence.  I bet you won't be able to forget you are pantsless, so conspicuous will the omission feel.  While that metaphor is in shaky theological territory, that is basically the result of a fast.  It makes us hyper-aware, supersensitive to the Spirit.

Oh Jen Hatmaker, you said it so well.

When I was shopping on Saturday and my heart longed for the cutest little scarf(it would have looked super cute with the coat I wore today), or those sweet little cords that were on sale(I mean seriously, cords at J.Crew for $28!), or that sweater that I was sure would keep me warm in January in Iowa, I had to depend on the Spirit.  And trust me, I did depend on the Spirit.

I so badly wanted to default to the way that I had been before I started this crazy fast.  I wanted to walk into a store and without even thinking purchase an armful of shirts, pants, and accessories(oh yes ladies, according to my husband accessories are also forbidden).  And although I did purchase some for my mom, I did not add any items to my own closet.

Jesus is staring to build a platform in my heart where shopping used to reside.  Amen.


Please note that I will let you know what the "judge" says about the contents of the package on my counter.  In the mean time, I need to give a little recognition to my man, his mom, and my friend Shalene for picking up the pieces last week when I was stuck at Jury Duty.  You all did a fabulous job, and I could not have made it through the week (without shopping) if it were not for you!