My Crutch

Today I was tempted.

As we pulled out of my parents driveway with only our youngest in the truck, my mind quickly went to the place where it is accustomed to going.  Internet shopping.  With the other 3 in the care of my parents and a tired toddler in tow, I was anticipating how I would spend a few quite hours on a Sunday afternoon...checking out the latest and greatest at GAP, Old Navy, and JCrew.

And then I remembered about this crazy challenge I had taken on.

Bummer.

So what is my problem?  Why can't I just put it out of my mind?  Why do I struggle with shopping?

Because shopping has become my crutch.

You know, my go-to.

When the kids are fighting and I am at the end of my rope...when I am feeling a little lousy because I am enduring another sinus infection...when Zach's work hours steal him away from me longer than I would like...when I need an automatic pick-me-up...when I want to feel better about myself...when I am feeling overwhelmed by the needs of 4 little ones...when I have a few minutes to myself to dream...I shop.

The problem isn't shopping in and of itself, the problem is that I have given shopping for new clothes to a spot in my heart that needs to be filled by someone, not something.  I have assumed that shopping can fill a void.

It can't.

I love my UPS man.  He brings me this sweet little bags and boxes full of goodies!  New shirts, new dresses, new jackets, and more!  But the joy I find in those packages quickly fades and I am left longing for more.

More packages.

More clothes.

More.  More.  More.

And all the while I have this Savior who is sitting back just shaking his head saying, "Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay, when will you get it?  When will you understand that what you are looking for cannot be found in shopping, or technology, or football teams, or ....."

I can't say I get it yet.  But at the end of this journey I hope that I do.  I mean, I know in my heart what is right.  I know that God doesn't bless us here on this earth so that we can selfishly enjoy the abundance.  I understand that we are blessed to be a blessing.  And I understand that I serve a God who wants to be my crutch, my go-to when this life feels bigger than me.

So I am proud to say that although I was tempted, I did not fall.

Day 3 was a success.


Please note that I love my husband and I love my kids.  I love that my husband has a job that allows me to stay home, and I appreciate all the hours that he puts in, his dedication both to his job at work and home.  And my 4 kiddos are more than I ever dreamed I would have, and their love outweighs their crazy.